| Jun. 21st, 2005 @ 06:48 pm I'm alive.... |
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Current Mood:  contemplative
Current Music: Patrick Park - Silver Girl
Don't care if this gets read by anyone.....MUST keep track of my life!!!
So the last time I wrote anything on here was beginning of April. Things have changed sooooo much since then. The break up between Nathan and I was so incredibly shocking for me- I didn't know how to cope....spent the first 3 weeks afterwards completely fucking nuts. My body was out of control sick, and my mind was in serious agony. It lead me to a therapist and psychiatrist who put me on a high dosage of anti-depressants (Paxil), tranquilizers- since my body wouldn't stop shaking, and hardcore sleeping pills (since I couldn't sleep EVER). All of this just made everything worse. I realize now that I was never really taught how to handle difficult situations. The break up with the one person I loved more than anything else on this earth shattered my heart in ways I didn't know existed. It lead me to distance myself from everyone and everything, without explanation.
What was I supposed to say to everyone? Hey guys- sorry I'm fucking nuts right now- I hope that's okay? Well- I get the feeling that my status with the frat has diminished. I'm considering leaving. I've been trying to reconnect with people, but I get the feeling that they don't really desire that connection. It's frustrating that no one really knew the extent of what happened, and it almost seems pointless to discuss it now... I care about everyone so much, and I just wish I could be allowed the opportunity to explain some stuff.
Anyway, life has really taken a drastic turn for me as of late. After the month or so of serious pyschosis, I was forced out of it (by my best friend in the world- Lizzie), and the sessions with the therapist have really helped me in all areas of my life. I'm already off the anti-depressants (doctor's orders) and I've never been more healthy in my life.
I decided that I'm tired of being the chubby dude with "saggy tits" as some called them. I have taken on an intense exercise/workout/diet routine that has proven to be nothing short of amazing. I've lost 45 pounds thus far- the right way! I eat really healthy and maintain my workout nearly on a daily basis. It has helped me feel better about myself, and I find it is a much more fulfilling life choice than being a fat and lazy stoner. I only wish that I had this much clarity in my life while Nathan and I were still together. Not that I care anymore.
With the help of my closest friends, and therapist- I can finally look back on things and see that they were not as glamourous as I perceived. We were NOT right for each other, and neither of us wanted to admit it for a very long time. It is only now that I see how much better off I am. I feel as though I was being held back- constantly sacrificing close friendships for intimacy. Believing that I could not be happy without my mate. That there was no one else on earth as amazing as him. Here is what I know now. I am happy on my own. I don't need to be co-dependent, and I certainly don't need someone to hold me back. I wanted so much to feel loved that I changed nearly everything about myself to do this- all of which was a mistake. I only wish someone had the balls to tell me this a long fucking time ago...
So- my Chrysler is officially dead. The transmission went out (for the second time), and I really don't give a shit. My mum was in town for a couple weeks visiting (mostly driving me nuts) and stepped in to help me out. She bought me a new (used) car that I wanted so badly... it's an '89 Porsche 944 Turbo ~ bright red. SOOO much more fun to drive than my old craphole. So- recap- I now weigh 158 pounds, have decent muscle definition, and drive a sexy car. Where are all the sexy boys??? j/k....
New addition to my life- probably too soon to be writing about this, but incase it is short lived- at least I can read about it later! ~ I recently met a new guy who I am madly attracted to (in all ways) and from what I can tell is really into me. Crazy thing though- he seems so perfect. He is literally the guy that I have always described to friends as being my perfect mate. Super intelligent- getting a PhD in Comp Lit at UW. Has an amazing personality and easily makes me laugh. We have so many similar interests, yet are very different- all the more fascinating. I think he really wants to date, and I'm more than flattered. Not to mention- is the best kisser on the face of the earth! SERIOUSLY! Tall, dark hair, German, sooo incredibly gorgeous.....when am I going to wake up??? I still can't understand why he is so into me though.... Granted I don't think I look like a dumpster, but still. I keep feeling like he is way out of my league... Whatever the outcome, I'm doing the right thing this time. I am going to be completely honest, and only be myself- nothing more.
God Bless America.
WOW that was a lot. Good. Needed to get it out.
:) |
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robman56's journal
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