Rob's life

ROWR

2005-08-13T01:46:52Z

My new theme in life: *ROWR* ....it really just captures all of my moods in one...

I sold my Porsche today. Seriously brought me to tears :-( ..... why did I have to get all those speeding tickets and get dropped by my insurance??? GOD WHY???? NOOOOOO lol. It's not my fault everyone in Washington has nowhere to go, and therefore drives as SLOW as possible at all times...

Completely cut ties with the mum for good. She went way overboard with an issue regarding my sister (renewing wedding vows with a non catholic husband, oh my!!, which lead to a condescending discussion regarding my sexuality- and of course the fact that I'm going to burn in Hell if I don't repent lol), and I (and my sister) decided it was better for our mental and emotional health to completely dis-associate ourselves from her. She is literally the most queer hating person I have ever met- FUNNY that her only son is GAY! Fuck her. I don't care anymore. My trust fund is finally in my name, and I don't need her financially anymore at all. Lately, we've only been communicating through our attorneys LOL. GOD my family sucks. Without my sister, I'd be lost.

Yeah ~ it's official. I don't care what people say anymore. I am definitely slutty (but very safe!). The whole losing 60 pounds thing and getting in shape has brought me a huge increase in interested fellows. And why should I deny them? For once in my life, I'm not the chubby kid!! Fuck all those lame stereotypes that I've lived with all these years! ROWR!

Hoooked up with this ridiculously hot half Russian / half Danish guy last night. Stephan. He was so much fun- who knew Russians were so skilled?!! YAY.

Got a sexy new job....I'm the new Managing Merchandiser / Buyer for 3 downtown Seattle upscale boutiques- Lamonts :-) They're located in The Westin Hotel, The Hyatt, and The Renaissance...I just float back and forth ~ SOOOO much better than off campus housing!...Highest I've ever been paid for a job, and I'm the fuckin boss! The way it should be....

Planning on getting deliciously sauced tonight. Drag Show downtown, pre-funk party, then clubs!!!! woohoo!
hehe.

bla

2005-07-26T01:30:04Z

lol ~ I'm turning into an alcoholic......

This is a complete outrage....brings me to tears- people so blinded by hate in this world. I can't stand it.
http://direland.typepad.com/direland/2005/07/iran_executes_2.html

way out of the ordinary

2005-07-20T05:32:16Z

Well ~ my best friend Shauna is now in drug Rehab for next 2 weeks. I'm going to visit her on Saturday...

So. I don't know what it is with the young guys lately, but I keep ending up in weird situations with them...

Last night I hung out with this kid Brenden. He's only 18, and lives way the fuck in Puyallup. We had met a long time ago at a frat party- where we were both getting really stoned (at Figi's). He seemed cool, but I had no idea he was GAY.

We've been chatting on AIM a lot lately, and he's slowly been opening up to me about his 'stuff'. He's so not like anyone I've ever been acquainted with before. Taller, kinda skinny, really cute, very straight acting- he kinda talks like he's a thug ~ smokes a lot of weed, and is still hooking up with girls (although I'm pretty sure he's completely gay). All of his friends are straight, and he's not really out to anyone...

We met up last night and smoked a bowl at my house....ended up talking for hours. Then things just started heating up. We made out all freakin night (among other things). I'm still kinda in shock about this...because he seems so freakin straight.

He was all over me ~ which is so weird considering Nathan was always such a prick. It's not a bragging thing, it's more like me in complete disbelief. I kept feeling weird about his age for a while, but then after things got 'comfortable', those feelings just sorta tapered off. lol.

OMG I don't know what to do. This is by far the weirdest situation I've been in with a guy pretty much ever. He really wants to hang out again....I'm not complaining...kept talking about wanting to 'go all the way' (which we didn't), and said he wanted to wait...so we'd both have something to look forward to...hehe.

At one point during the night (in the middle of heatedness) he started joking about only being 16. I started having a serious panic attack. ~ I figured he was joking, but finally ended up grabbing his wallet and checking his ID. LOL. Thank God it really was a joke.

I realize I'm only 3 years older, but come on....lots of stuff happens in those 3 years. And I remember what I was like when I was 18....lol...

This is way too funny...

robman56 @ 2005-07-09T10:25:00

2005-07-09T17:57:33Z

This is so weird. I thought my summer would be dull and boring, yet it's turned out to be completely freakin nuts. So much has happened- even in the last week.

Brandon's b-day party was Thursday night. Eric Fitz and I went together and found that a bunch of the frat guys were there- a big plus. I love getting drunk with them. So entertaining. So fun. :) (pooooor Jordan lol)...

I allowed myself to have some of my own fun while there too...figuring that since Erik and I are completely through, why not allow certain things to happen?

I was across the street down on the corner having an abnoxiously loud and drunken conversation with my best bud back in California, when I got approached by this cute guy Tyler from the party. He literally walked all the way down the street and started chatting with me. I hung up on my friend, and started talking to him. He seemed nice (although who really knows...I was so drunk at this point). Told me he worked for Abercrombie and was doing photoshoots as well. Not bad eh? We went back to the party together and kept drinking. He fell and hit his nose on something and got all injured, but kept wanting to hang with me. I'm like...whatever sure. DRUNK.

I decided that I needed to trek back to my car to grab a cigarette, and he insisted that he go with me...so we ended up walkin together. Here's where things got kinda crazy...

We were half way there when he basically started attacking me (in a good way). He literally pushed me down into the front lawn of this house along the street and jumped on top of me. (Didn't realize it at the time, but it seriously injured my hand). We just started making out in the grass LOL. He was being wayyy naughty...more than I want to reveal. But then- he started getting really weird. He kept saying "Fuck me. Fuck me now. Right now." Like over and over again. I was like what??? I'm not going to drop my pants and fuck you in these people's front lawn....LOL....what the hell??? He kept saying that the entire walk back to the party....whoaaaaa.... I realized that as enticing as he seemed to be, he's got some serious issues.

Lost interest after that. Oh well....it was fun while it lasted. I woke up having passed out in my car the next morning.

Anyway....completely unrelated to anything else....that same night, one of my best friends (Shauna) attempted suicide. She almost fucking succeeded. Did multiple lines of coke, drank a shit load, and then started chugging Bleach. That explained why she had called me during the party all histerical and was begging me to come over...which I couldn't do, and eventually hung up on me. I found her the next morning in her room completely fucked up. She had been throwing up blood all over the place ~ and vomit. There was a suicide note scribbled on her bathroom mirror. I had to carry her to my car, and then drive her to the ER and carry her in there. They admitted her immediately. I spent all day with her yesterday in the hospital. They didn't know if she would make it...she has serious burns all up and down her digestive tract. She's going to recover, but they're transferring her to the Psych ward on Monday. She almost died. She would have. It would have been my fault. I just keep thinking....if she had died while I was making out with some lame guy at a party, I would NEVER forgive myself. Why do people do these things to themselves?

More later.

robman56 @ 2005-07-07T17:12:00

2005-07-08T00:17:34Z

Alright. More negativity.

I have had it up to HERE with rude people. What is it with everyone lately? People hanging up on me for no reason, people being downright offensive and insulting towards me completely out of the blue...

Seattle is getting on my nerves. People are uptight, cranky, and very unfriendly. My best friends are all home for the summer, and now I'm really beginning to feel the distance.

This weekend was somewhat rough- due to a drunken outburst (stemmed by frustration), and because of a good friend of mine who had a serious nervous breakdown. But, as of Monday evening, I thought things were heading back in a good direction.

Nope.

Erik and I had a great time on Monday, and a great conversation Tuesday evening on the phone (since we couldn't hang out in person), and then Wednesday evening came along...

He asked me the night before to call him after a meeting I had, which I did. I called him around 6, and since his phone was off, I left him a brief message. I signed on to AIM and there he was. So I started chatting with him... here is our conversation:

Robman56: hey hey
erykanspach: hi.
Robman56: i just left you a message
erykanspach: huh?
Robman56: i called your phone and left you a message....it didn't ring
erykanspach: oh. I didn't hear it - it is in my bag. s'probably still off from school.
erykanspach: sorry.
Robman56: no worries ;-)
erykanspach: I'm correcting.
Robman56: ahh
Robman56: can we chat on the phone for a sec?
erykanspach: what's up?
Robman56: i'm finished with stuff for the day :-)
erykanspach: I see.
erykanspach: well I have to correct and then the redo on my italian composition is due tomorrow so I'm not going to be done for a while.
erykanspach: :-(
erykanspach: btw - I got that teaching gig.
erykanspach: so I'm teaching thru August 19
Robman56: congrats!
Robman56: well can you take 5 min (or less) and call me?
Robman56: AIM is so impersonal
erykanspach: later perhaps.
erykanspach: I'm not in a very good mood and I'd hate to not be polite.
Robman56: 2 minutes??
Robman56: 1?
erykanspach: please stop.
erykanspach: you're aggravating me and I told you I'm in a bad mood.
Robman56: wow
Robman56: i really did not deserve that
Robman56: i'm sorry your in a bad mood...i just wanted to chat for a sec
Robman56: i would think that's a positive thing
erykanspach signed off at 6:20:02 PM.

Apparently I'm aggravating. I guess I just figured when you're in a relationship with someone, and they're in a bad mood, you should attempt to cheer them up- thus me egging him on to call me. Not in this case. He completely insulted me, and then signed off. I haven't heard from him since.

What I find most baffling, is that he was the one who had asked me to fucking call him. Even if my mother had died 2 hours before our conversation, I would never have been so fucking rude. Not to him- not to anyone. I do not deserve to be treated like such shit.

Is he ever going to call and apologize? I'm forced to be completely miserable until he decides to actually make effort to call.

I FUCKING hate people right now.

robman56 @ 2005-07-03T16:16:00

2005-07-03T23:37:29Z

Okay....last time I checked, it was okay to be proud of your family.

Why the FUCK do I keep being persecuted for things I cannot help?? It's like a running theme in my life. People all harbour bitterness towards me because my 'life-style' is different than theirs. Why should it matter??

Last night, I brought Erik with me to a friend's b-day party in Wallingford. We had a blast. Lots of good company, good drinks, exactly the kind of night I enjoy. Later on, a bunch of us were sitting in a circle talkin crap about each other's silly names. It was brought up that my last name is Sexton-Cunnington, and that it's funny how it sounds like the words sex and cunt are in my name. That lead to a brief conversation of where my names come from...thus me casually mentioning my grandfather is a lord (back in England) and so forth. It really doesn't matter. I wasn't showing off, and I was definitely not trying to be pretentious.

So then... later on, we're all kinda drunk, and decide it's time to go. My friends start arguing about who's the most sober (which I still think I was), and Dominic was begging me to let him drive my car (only cause it's a Porsche)... I thought it was funny, and didn't think much of it...BUT-

This morning Erik and I are laying in his bed having casual conversation, and gradually things lead to last night, and he starts going in detail about how we are from different worlds, and have different values on certain things. In other words, saying he is from a 'normal' family and leads a normal life, whereas I am "loaded" with money and status is really important in my family. The conversation just kept getting deeper and deeper- me trying so hard to explain that I am not a superficial asshole, and that I could care less about money anyway. He just went on and on about the subject, till I could not stand to be around him any longer.... All I have ever been trying to do is fit in with everyone else. I don't think it's necessary to have to be around rich kids to fit in. We all have different backgrounds and lifestyles, and I am sick and tired of being persecuted by the so called 'normal' people because certain things about me can be considered flashy.

WHO FUCKING CARES??? Why does this always come up in every fucking relationship I've ever been in?? Nathan was always pissy about my spending habits, and would always make rude comments about my life-style- and now I see Erik feels the same fucking way. This is such bullshit. People need to stop treating me like shit over things that I cannot and will not change. I am so tired of having this re-ocurring conversation with the people I care about. SO TIRED OF IT!

And I'm not rubbing shit in people's faces! If anything, I never bring it up...it's always them bringing it up- and making me have to go on the defense...which again, is so fucking unfair.

Once again, I was lead to tears. Over something I can't even change. I care deeply for Erik, but I am not putting up with this again. I already had to deal with it for wayyy too long with Nathan.

Supposedly we're getting back together later on tonight. We decided we need some breathing room- mostly because I was going to rip his head off, and he wasn't feeling any better after our conversation. I told him I need to go home because I am in a very bad mood, and I need alone time...

Please let tonight go well. I thought I was done with the drama after Nathan. Erik is turning out to be much more intense than I first perceived.

Frustration seeping in.

robman56 @ 2005-06-30T22:08:00

2005-07-01T05:22:46Z

Old commitments are ending.

New ones are beginning.

My last day of work in Off Campus housing was yesterday. I was in the office finishing up and collecting my crap for nearly 13 hours. SOO exausting, but finally over. Thank the good lord.

Yeah. I'm drunk writing. hehe. Hiding in a room at this house party. God I love merlot. I could drink it alllll the time....eek.

Had an awesome interview with Restoration Hardware downtown (Pacific Place) today. Probably one of the most enjoyable interviews I've had. They are considering me for 3 different positions- sales manager, merchandising manager, and production lead. I'm not being picky.... I hope everything works out ~ guess I find out after July 4th....

SO. Finally getting over the reservations and apprehensions about Erik. He is not only charming, but honest and extremely sincere. And our strong attraction to each other seems to be very mutual- and keeps things really exciting....haha...

I'm so looking forward to this weekend....Erik's roommate will be out of town till Tuesday....YAYYYYY......mmmmmm..... The whole apartment to ourselves....hehe...

Who knew buying 600 thread-count sheets for one's bed would cause one to never want to leave it?? lol. I am more obsessed with my bed than I ever have been. It's sooo wonderful. I wish I could work out of my bed all day and make money. That would be killer. Never have to get up for nothin. Well...except to pee I suppose.

Loud music and yelling in the background. Better Go. eww...and vomit on the floor...

robman56 @ 2005-06-26T18:21:00

2005-06-27T01:44:01Z

Pride Weekend. Yay.

Last night should have been fucking great...but it turned out to be a real drag. I convinced Erik (who isn't really into Pride stuff) to go to this elitist gay pride party with me last night in Cap Hill- thinking that no matter how much he resisted, I could still make him have fun... which he did for the first half of the night...

We met up with some close friends from the fraternity and proceeded on in. It was completely packed inside, and decked out with decorations and such. It was a full open bar- FREE! I think I may have had somewhere along the lines of 8 or 9 drinks and a few shots. Erik also drank a bunch ~ thus us both being pretty drunk by the time we left. Gary and Ricky were really drunk too...

Before we had gotten to the party, I spent several minutes describing the frat bros to Erik- telling him how wonderful they all are, and how he would like them a lot. Unfortunately, later at the party, that proved to be a big pile of shit. One brother in particular (not naming anyone) was pretty focused on being the centre of attention ~ as he always seems to be ~ and kept saying somewhat obnoxious things. None of it really bothered me- I'm very used to this- but Erik took a lot of it very personally...

Later, when we were all outside, everyone was very drunk and running around chatting and being silly... I got a phone call from my best friend Lizzie, and distanced myself from the crowd of drunken idiots to talk to her- thus leaving Erik to fend for himself with the bros and such. When I got back, he was completely histerical- claiming I had ditched him and he had been told these terrible things while I was gone. He started to take off, and I immediately walked after him. I started pleading with him not to be so upset, and not to take things to heart- none of it was meant to be how he took it... Long story shortened, I basically had to plead with him for the next hour and a half not to hate me or judge me according to how my friends had acted. I felt so shitty. He basically had me in tears, and I was really drunk and having a hard time grasping the whole situation. Finally he started apologizing, and we ended up going to Neighbors to meet up with some of his friends- which we did for a bit...then went back to his apartment to crash. When we got there, he just started unloading on me all of his frustration with the evening and how I had "abandoned him" for that brief period of time....he was drunk and histerical- and I was trying so hard to calm him down....we didn't get to sleep till after 4.

So dramatic! He spent the first half of today apologizing to me for being an ass, but I guess I can understand where he's coming from.... Marching in the parade today was nothing short of a blast. We all had a good time, and I think I got some delicious sun. I punched Gary.

No fun for me last night.....but I am being asked to come over tonight- so we'll see if things are better this time around.... I don't think I can handle another dramatic outburst- from anyone right now....really takes a toll on your emotional state- no matter how tough it seems to be.

GRR.

Last night's events....

2005-06-25T23:40:14Z

Yester(day) blew huge chunks...

I really think I should not be driving anymore ~ I rear-ended another fucking car!!!! That's 2 in a month! No damage to my beautiful Porsche (hehe) but I did put some minor dents in the guy's brand fucking new 2005 Saab....GREATTTTTTT!!!!!! Like a block from my house too..... What the hell is wrong with me? Short attention span?? What is it??? Estimate? $680... Of fucking course.

Erik and I met up shortly after my mini car accident. We sprawled around in his room till we finally decided to go see a movie... We went and saw 'Heights' at the Harvard Exit Theatre ~ (whatever it's called) with Glenn Close - and that hot guy who played Cyclops in X-Men.... Great movie! Overall, it was extremely well written, very captivating, had a great ending....recommend it to anyone- and has a great gay theme to it as well.

UGHHH Erik is so incredibly amazing. Every fucking part of him...head to toe. I can't get over it. Not to mention the biggest flirt on the face of this earth. Constantly grabbing me and kissing me ~ or rubbing my hands ~ the works. GOD what a difference from Nathan.

Is it possible that a penis could actually be too big?? You kinda get that feeling when someone keeps apologizing about its size.... And I only say this on here out of flattery... We didn't do the 'jiggy' last night....but DAMN did we have fun this morning hehe.....especially in the shower (yikes)... Pretty much everything except the main 'thing'. Cause there's no fuckin way I'm dealing with his gigantic thing till I'm completely prepared and ready....geeeeezzzz.... It's actually almost tormenting in a way. I really want to be more intimate, but I'm so intimidated right now- I really hope it isn't a problem. seriously!!

So ~ I guess we're officially dating. My opinion- why not go with it? Take it slow, but still have a good time. I think there's a shit load of potential between us, and I am hoping and praying we get to see that blossom. Time will tell...

People want details....hmmmm... should I or shouldn't I? hehe :)

ROWRRRRRR!!!!!!

meh

2005-06-24T15:44:12Z

lol ~ re-reading previous journal entries is such a crack up. They sound so corny. oh well.... I guess I'm a corny person.

Things are finally moving very smoothly. My job is dramatically winding down - last day is Wednesday! YAY! I am so tired of driving everywhere and meeting with rude people about their lame underpar portfolios anyway. haha. They're all greedy assholes.

So- I'm spending the night with my new boy for the first time tonight. I'm so excited I can barely function. I think he is too. I don't even care if we do the jiggy- I just wanna cuddle. lol GOD corny.

Please God keep me from ever talking to prospective boyfriends on the phone when I'm plastered. Last night = perfect example...

Erik called me at 10pm while I was over in Kent partying with a bunch of friends at their kickass house- with homemade beer and scotch!! These guys are wayyy industrious. Anyway, I was completely drunk by 10, so when Erik called, I was trying desperately to sound normal, but did a shitty job of it. He figured out I was drunk after like 2 minutes- most likely because I accidentally dropped my phone off the balcony (into the grass) and screamed- thus leading to me frantically running downstairs to go get it. We ended up having a nice conversation, but I had to keep apologizing for making no sense at all, and slurring every other word... I wouldn't be surprised if he called today and told me he lost interest. I was such an idiot....

Oh- so I got offered a job at a cool place downtown. I turned it down because of the shitty hours they were going to have me work, and because they wouldn't negotiate salary competitively. Pretty much put that behind me until yesterday- I got a phone call from the Head Manager, asking me to come back in and re-negotiate everything. HMMMMMM.....perhaps it will work out afterall?

ROWR!!!! :) YAYYYYYY TONIGHT! Oh my oh my oh my.

I'm alive....

2005-06-22T02:30:51Z

Don't care if this gets read by anyone.....MUST keep track of my life!!!

So the last time I wrote anything on here was beginning of April. Things have changed sooooo much since then. The break up between Nathan and I was so incredibly shocking for me- I didn't know how to cope....spent the first 3 weeks afterwards completely fucking nuts. My body was out of control sick, and my mind was in serious agony. It lead me to a therapist and psychiatrist who put me on a high dosage of anti-depressants (Paxil), tranquilizers- since my body wouldn't stop shaking, and hardcore sleeping pills (since I couldn't sleep EVER). All of this just made everything worse. I realize now that I was never really taught how to handle difficult situations. The break up with the one person I loved more than anything else on this earth shattered my heart in ways I didn't know existed. It lead me to distance myself from everyone and everything, without explanation.

What was I supposed to say to everyone? Hey guys- sorry I'm fucking nuts right now- I hope that's okay? Well- I get the feeling that my status with the frat has diminished. I'm considering leaving. I've been trying to reconnect with people, but I get the feeling that they don't really desire that connection. It's frustrating that no one really knew the extent of what happened, and it almost seems pointless to discuss it now... I care about everyone so much, and I just wish I could be allowed the opportunity to explain some stuff.

Anyway, life has really taken a drastic turn for me as of late. After the month or so of serious pyschosis, I was forced out of it (by my best friend in the world- Lizzie), and the sessions with the therapist have really helped me in all areas of my life. I'm already off the anti-depressants (doctor's orders) and I've never been more healthy in my life.

I decided that I'm tired of being the chubby dude with "saggy tits" as some called them. I have taken on an intense exercise/workout/diet routine that has proven to be nothing short of amazing. I've lost 45 pounds thus far- the right way! I eat really healthy and maintain my workout nearly on a daily basis. It has helped me feel better about myself, and I find it is a much more fulfilling life choice than being a fat and lazy stoner. I only wish that I had this much clarity in my life while Nathan and I were still together. Not that I care anymore.

With the help of my closest friends, and therapist- I can finally look back on things and see that they were not as glamourous as I perceived. We were NOT right for each other, and neither of us wanted to admit it for a very long time. It is only now that I see how much better off I am. I feel as though I was being held back- constantly sacrificing close friendships for intimacy. Believing that I could not be happy without my mate. That there was no one else on earth as amazing as him. Here is what I know now. I am happy on my own. I don't need to be co-dependent, and I certainly don't need someone to hold me back. I wanted so much to feel loved that I changed nearly everything about myself to do this- all of which was a mistake. I only wish someone had the balls to tell me this a long fucking time ago...

So- my Chrysler is officially dead. The transmission went out (for the second time), and I really don't give a shit. My mum was in town for a couple weeks visiting (mostly driving me nuts) and stepped in to help me out. She bought me a new (used) car that I wanted so badly... it's an '89 Porsche 944 Turbo ~ bright red. SOOO much more fun to drive than my old craphole. So- recap- I now weigh 158 pounds, have decent muscle definition, and drive a sexy car. Where are all the sexy boys??? j/k....

New addition to my life- probably too soon to be writing about this, but incase it is short lived- at least I can read about it later! ~ I recently met a new guy who I am madly attracted to (in all ways) and from what I can tell is really into me. Crazy thing though- he seems so perfect. He is literally the guy that I have always described to friends as being my perfect mate. Super intelligent- getting a PhD in Comp Lit at UW. Has an amazing personality and easily makes me laugh. We have so many similar interests, yet are very different- all the more fascinating. I think he really wants to date, and I'm more than flattered. Not to mention- is the best kisser on the face of the earth! SERIOUSLY! Tall, dark hair, German, sooo incredibly gorgeous.....when am I going to wake up??? I still can't understand why he is so into me though.... Granted I don't think I look like a dumpster, but still. I keep feeling like he is way out of my league... Whatever the outcome, I'm doing the right thing this time. I am going to be completely honest, and only be myself- nothing more.

God Bless America.

WOW that was a lot. Good. Needed to get it out.

:)

robman56 @ 2005-04-03T09:06:00

2005-04-03T16:09:18Z

The agony isn't stopping. It's getting worse. I can't stand being alone. Being abandoned for a misunderstanding. I can't stop shaking. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't stop thinking and thinking. I can't take this anymore. I cannot fall out of love. It won't happen...please....

the demons come out

2005-04-02T16:58:22Z

What is it about me that allows someone to love me unconditionally, and then throw me away like a ragdoll when they're done? It is finally clear to me the meaning of the words worthless. People take and take from me- suck all the life out until there's nothing left, then expect me to be completely okay. It's not right. It's fucking not right. I didn't deserve this...after everything that I did....why would someone do this do me?? On a special day...I don't understand....this hurts so fucking bad....make it all just go away... this feels like a really fucked up nightmare- any moment i'm going to wake up- but i'm already awake....i can't fucking sleep. i can't eat. i can't breathe. i can't live. i hate you so much. this is so wrong...i didn't deserve this....all your lies...how did you expect me to react?...i hope you are happy. i hope this is what you want. sobb story over.

fuck you all. fuck you all.

here i am

2004-12-27T23:43:57Z

Grrr....sooo tired...

So, England's been nice so far. We were snowed out yesterday, but no worries now. I flew over to Lausanne, Switzerland at about 1030 this morning (when my commuter flight landed). My cousins have done an awesome job with their flat here. There's this insane view out the living-area window that looks out into the snowy mountains beyond- and when you look straight down, all you see is screaming colors from the night-club that's a few floors below us.

I'm so glad I'm finally away from my parents for a while. Being back home in England visiting everyone was becoming severely stressful- People asking me all sorts of personal questions...trying to pry into my life. I swear, they think I'm some freakin heathen. (maybe i am...)

Bah- I'm being asked to go down to the pubs and drink tonight, but I feel like I've been continuously drunk for the past 5 days now. My stomach hurts!

I wish I was in Australia right now...the beautiful summer air and blue beaches. mmmmmm....

I can't wait for this vacation to end so I can resume life once again. I feel so incredibly far away from everyone...which is basically true...

...and I've discovered my French needs some work. They only speak French and German in this part of Switzerland- and I keep having trouble clearly communicating with people. I have to repeat myself like 3 or 4 times to get my stupid point across.

Alright Alright.

~~~Le rob est un yankee méchant qui vit dans un pays effrayant. Pourquoi l'aimons-nous tellement? Est-ce ses cheveux rouges (qui sont maintenant noirs), ou parce qu'il est gai? Nous pouvons ne jamais savoir...~~~

no i'm not!

lol.

gotta go.

on the plane...

2004-12-24T01:02:53Z

So...I'm on the plane right now heading for England (using Mum's lap-top). Thank God they allow us to use our shit on the planes now. There's this bitch sitting behind me who keeps complaining to the stewards about every little fucking thing wrong with her. She's driving me fucking nuts. I want to turn around and punch her! Plus, she's wearing this ugly-ass halter-top that makes me want to vomit everytime I look at it. Women in there 50's should not sport cleavage and skin!!!!!

Well- I've got more than 6 more hours to go on this lame flight. Thank God my mother is not sitting next to me this time. She drives me nuts with her incessant blabbing about nothing (horse-shit and such). I think I'm going to take another nap. I just finished watching 'Taking Lives'. Seen it before...interesting movie...I like the elevator scene...

K ~ Soon I will be home...and the second that I get there- I'm heading straight for the pubs in the city (Brighton). I've already had 2 bloody-mary's and a pale-ale. mmmmmm... My mother already proceeded to have her martinis and pass out in her seat. Surprising? lol.

I miss my friends.
I miss Nathan.

Bla! :-)

hmm

2004-12-22T19:35:16Z

Um. Why did I want to come home again? Northern-California is so fucking cold right now. And you can't see shit anywhere cause there's so much fog...ughhh... How crazy am I- I just want to go home to Seattle. The annoying 9 hour flight to England is tomorrow (I'm really not looking forward to that). Then I'll be home and subject to the irritation and prejudism and racism my family gives off- who think only English people are important in this world.

I miss friends at home.
I miss Nathan.

GRR.

yup

2004-12-13T18:21:51Z

I barely post anymore. -Perhaps cause now that I've got a digital camera (in my phone) I don't write anymore- A picture is worth a thousand words?

Two finals down, two to go..... geez.

I'm shocked by the new dynamics of my frat. So many new members- no longer a tight-knit group. I hardly know what to do with myself anymore. I'm just glad we won't be taking over my office any longer - since it always gets thrashed. I'm really growing to love all the new guys (not as much as us yet, but maybe soon), but it's crazy that there is already drama starting to happen. God I hope things go smoothly.

My hair is now dark brown. I've decided to shock the shit out of my family when I get home to England for Christmas break by completely changing my appearance. After dying my hair dark, my eyebrows dark, and even my lashes dark...I finally look like someone else. I'm not really sure who though.

Grrrr.....what should I get Nathan for Christmas..... The b-day thing was easy, but for some reason I'm having a hard time with this one. I hate trying to shop for other people (for fear of dislike or something stupid like that). I'd get him a gift card, but I already did that.... Maybe I should bake him cookies in my shitty oven. lol.

I have officially lost nearly all social aspects of my life outside of the fraternity. It consumes nearly every waking hour, and I haven't called or spoken to many of my other friends in months. I'm praying that doesn't turn into years...

Who hates working for UW housing??? I do!

mmmm....I just remembered a delicious wine that I want (that I've been craving for a while). That might go well with studying tonight?! Yep.

My roommate is so dirty and smelly! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ARE STRAIGHT MEN SO NASTIFIED????????

okay I'm done.

contemplative questions

2004-11-03T23:06:41Z

Anyone up for moving back to Australia with me? What is this country we live in, who re-elects nearly the most inefficient and incompetent president it has ever held?

Not that John Kerry is the savior of the world or anything, but what the fuck is wrong with people out there? Bush's re-election only proves that (at least for the midwest and the south) Americans are the most ignorant and disillusioned people on the face of this planet...

To the Republicans:

OPEN YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING EYES: World peace is not solved by re-electing a president whom the entire world hates... America is now the laughing stock of this universe...

If people would step out of those walls created so many years ago, and realize that there's life outside of the US, we wouldn't have complete IDIOTS running this country.

SHAME ON YOU. SHAME SHAME SHAME. I am now convinced there is NO GOD.

eek

2004-10-05T18:53:35Z

OMG ~ School's started and I've never been so busy in my life.... I quit one of my jobs, and I feel like I'm even busier than before. And now that Rush is about to start....eek!

I can't believe I spent over $400 on clothes (and a pair of shoes) on Saturday. I think I was possessed by some evil shopping demon... Nathan and I had sushi before that (which I'm still not too fond of, but trying desperately to like), and I ate so much I felt like I was going to puke. Gluttony is evil!

My new classes this quarter are awesome- and yesterday morning I had a private audition with Dr. Boers (the choral director at UW) and I made it into Chamber Singers- an upper level choir for music/musicology majors. I'm excited about it, but freaked out because it is a year commitment (and I suck at commitments).

So I guess I'm going home to England for Christmas. It kinda pisses me off a little though- my mum called me and told me she bought the ticket already without ever asking me if I wanted to go, or even when my school break is. UGH - why can't people communicate with me? It's like a running theme in my life...

Life is good, Life is good....

MAJOR REVELATION

2004-09-07T19:29:10Z

I I just experienced a serious revelation about my life and what I want to do with it... another lengthy entry, but something I need to write down for myself...

I was sifting through my e-mail at work today, and I came across one I had received from a lawyer/contact I have in Australia. (I've been planning on returning to Australia to study law after UW). I have been thinking and dwelling a lot lately, on the fact that I need to start applying to law school (already!) in the next 6-8 months... I've known since I was 5 years old that I wanted to someday be a successful attorney like my father, so I could be well respected and happy for the rest of my life.

But suddenly it occured to me- was my father ever really that happy with his job? In reality, all I can remember growing up is him being completely miserable, horribly overworked, and full of fatigue and stress- on a constant basis...something that affected my whole family, and probably contributed a lot to my parent's marriage falling apart after 25 years.

So why the hell do I want to go into law? I don't want his life... or anything that resembles it. I have been completely wrong about what I want to do basically my entire life, and I think it's finally surfacing in my mind... Fuck Law School ~ I don't need to be an attorney to be happy.

Here's what I WANT to do:

Music is/and always has been the love of my life (aside from my beautiful boyfriend). Playing piano, singing, studying musical theory and history, composition, and performance~ that is what makes me happy. Why did I spend 12 years of my life studying music and perfecting it, but never try and consider extending that through the rest of my life?

I already changed my major this year at UW - doubling in economics (which I've almost finished the requirements for), and musical theory/composition. Why not take it furthur? I checked up on the Sydney Conservatory of Music (at Univ. of Sydney, Australia)- the same university that uses the Sydney Opera House exclusively for their students... and realized they have exactly what I would love to do- and be happy doing.

I decided, instead of applying to law school (fuck law school), I'm going to apply to their joint masters/doctoral program in ethnomusicologiy and musical composition. It's a 3 year program that does 2 things. At the end of the 3 years, I'd have an MMus (masters in musicology), and a PhD in ethnomusicology - on a research study of my choice. For me, that is a hell of a lot more exciting and interesting than being lost in law books for the next 3-5 years. Have I lost my mind?

Bla

2004-08-31T19:08:41Z

Some people seriously suck in this world. You try to reason with them - attempting to do the right thing, and they still treat you like shit.

These past few weeks have been crazy. A few of us went up to Vancouver, Canada last weekend- which was awesome in every imaginable way. We started drinking early afternoon and didn't stop till like 3 in the morning- when I was passed out in the taxi on the way back to the hostel. I had something like 17 drinks throughout the night- ranging from Cosmos, to a triple Scotch on the rocks (which I chugged with Shauna while we were at club Celebrity). Mmmm...nothin like chuggin drinks...

Driving back to Seattle was such a pain- there was a lot of traffic at the border, but more than anything I was feeling really sick the whole way back. (Probably didn't help that I had another drink with breakfast right before we left). Everything that happened after we got home that night is all a big blur to me now.

So I know I said I was quitting cigs and pot- but my best friend Erin was up all last week (for 5 days)- so we ended up being baked morning till night from the moment she arrived until she flew back home to California. (But now I'm back to no smoke!)

Things around my apartment are pretty stressfull right now. My roommate Shauna is in the process of moving out- into her new place- and my new roommate is in the process of moving in to my place (at the same time). So there's shit piled high to the ceilings- both of their stuff combined. You can barely fit through the door or anything. I'm trying not to let it bother me since neither of them can really help it right now, but it's still getting on my nerves. My beautiful peaceful place is all in turmoil right now...ahhhh.... I feel bad for my boyfriend being caught up in this too- having no job and no school right now means he's being forceably obligated to help with all the extensive moving processes. :-(

So my new roommate is a good friend of mine...but this is definitely going to be a new situation for me. He's a straight, Phi Beta Kappa Frat boy, who DJ's jungle mixes, techno, and trance music.... I've got a lot of fears, but I'm hoping things will work out for the best. He seems very comfortable with Nate and I. This next month will be me- him- and Nathan living in my apartment till end of September when Nathan moves back into the dorms...

Alright ~ back to work ~ oh what fun ;)

ughh

2004-08-17T17:32:42Z

I want a cigarette... :( I really want a cigarette... ugh... God help me...

another day...

2004-08-16T17:42:05Z

This past week has been an extreme mix of emotions. The excitement of Nathan coming home, the stress of adjusting to a completely new situation, and the fear that things won't work out for the best...

As wonderful as its been to have my boy finally back home with me, it's also affected the way other things are running in my life. My roommate Shauna (and nearly best friend) has become extremely depressed and moody- that coupled with Nathan being sick literally 2 days after being home really stressed me out. Neither of them could really help their situation, but it left me feeling on edge and drained- desperately trying to take care of both of them, while neglecting to take care of myself. But alas! lol... Shauna is slowly recovering- and getting more comfortable with Nathan being around, and he's looking and feeling a bit better. So now- I just need to work on getting myself out of this crappy mood I've allowed myself to sink into. I know I'm going to quickly drive people insane if I don't snap out of it. For once, I'm actually glad to be at work- so there's time for everyone to breathe and get some alone time- and I realize now how important it is for me to have that- hence why I think I've become such a wench.

Yay! This coming weekend a couple of us are goin up to Vancouver, Canada to hit some clubs and party it up. I can't wait to escape - even if it is only for 2 days. Then, next Tuesday, one of my best friends from California is coming up to hang for the week. It will be awesome showing off how beautiful Seattle is, and having someone from back home meet my boyfriend. lol ~ I hope she approves... :-)

What a nice day this is turning out to be...

So much more to say...but my mind is too jumbled to formulate it...

robman56 @ 2004-07-26T13:12:00

2004-07-26T20:33:05Z

YAY ~ my boy comes home in exactly 2 weeks! woohoo...it's seriously about time- I'm gettin real tired of sleeping by myself every night (or with my roommate Shauna, which isn't quite the same feeling)-

My mother came to visit last weekend for a few days. Thank God she's gone. I don't think there's anyone else on earth who irritates me as much as her... "Why is your car so dirty? When was the last time you mopped your floors? Is that really where you want your clothes- on the floor?" Honestly, I'm one of the cleanest persons I know at my age, so I think I'm doing pretty damn good. Oh well.....at least I got a new stereo system for my car out of her...

I've made an executive decision for myself- I'm going to quit smoking pot (except for very special occasions), and cut down on cigarettes (only when I'm drinking) when Nathan comes home. And I have many reasons to do so... he really dislikes the cigarettes, and isn't that crazy about pot either ~ and I don't blame him; it does smell like shit...also, I've gained a lot of weight from smoking pot- cause I get hungry- and then I'm too lazy to go exercize- I need to get back in shape bad. What else? I guess just cause it's not healthy....and I want to be healthy! We'll see how this goes.

I can't believe I've worked so much lately. I feel like I'm in the office more than out of it. Craziness.

This really pissed me off: I took my car into my mechanic to fix the left front headlight that had gone out. They put in a new bulb, and it still didn't work. So they spent 3 hours tracking the wiring through the car trying to figure out what was wrong with it (at $70 an hour), and still didn't fix it. When I got there, I was really upset by it....I went out to my car, flipped the lights on- of course the light was still not working. So I gently tapped the fuze box with my fingers, and the new light popped on. HMMMMMM WHAT DO YOU KNOW....THAT WAS HARD EH??? The light's been workin ever since, and I still had to pay about $200 for a headlight that I fixed myself. FUCKING MECHANIC.

K ~ back to work for me....

a moody update

2004-07-12T21:39:32Z

Alright - so here's what I'm chewing on right now: File Maker Pro (FMP) is by far the worst database system I've ever used.....WHY do businesses spend thousands of dollars for this??? I'll never understand....

Usually when someone buys a new computer- or new software, it's a step up right?? Not for moi... We finally finished getting all new systems for my new office - I got a nice new G5 Mac to maintain our server, etc. We upgraded our database system to the newest version of FMP 8.0 (a hefty $2,000 upgrade for the software). I really thought this would speed things up around the office- make things easier to manage. Nope. FMP crashes every 3 hours for no fucking reason- and talking with the tech people for an hour doesn't help either. Finally, I had a UW computer technician take a look at our systems- he adjusted a few things- but literally an hour after he left, the systems crashed again. I don't really know what to do at this point. I'm getting literally HUNDREDS of e-mails and phone calls from people trying to access the database online, and I keep telling everyone to hold tight- we're trying to fix things asap. GRRRR..computers suck sometimes.

Well ~ Nathan's tour is in Louisiana right now. Tomorrow they'll be in Mississippi...oh how I miss him...... Finally, there's less than a month left before he comes home- woohoo! It seems crazy that we talk (on the phone) almost every single day- and the days when he calls me early generally go a lot better than when he calls me at night...i dunno...after every time we talk on the phone, I usually can't stop smiling for hours- my roommate (and quickly becoming best friend) Shauna teases me about it....I know I'm in love now- and so does he- always reminding me in text messages or whatev. LOL I sound like a rambling idiot.... :)

Yea ~ I've definitely been drinking and smoking wayyy too much lately. And honestly, I'm not depressed, I think it's just because when I'm off work ~ and since Nathan isn't around, I have nothing better to do with my free time. My roommate and I have made friends with a few of our neighbors in the building, as well as the guys in the house next-door- so coupled with our friends, and theirs, we've all been having parties and hangin out almost everyday.

Talk about drama... Last weekend we all threw a party at the guys house next door- people just kept showing up outta nowhere....by 2am, there were 70-80 people squished in there....and a couple of the guys got in a drunk fight- they were smashing beer bottles into the street- People were yelling and screaming....I was so incredibly high and drunk, all I could do was observe what was going on, without actually realizing it...I passed out on the floor in my bathroom that night- after puking a lotttt....

K ~ not that I'm counting or anything, but the 40 days I've been without sex...I mean Nathan....is finally catching up to me- AUG 9, AUG 9, AUG 9, AUG 9....can't wait, can't wait, can't wait....

Damn I write too much.... :)